Phil Vollman Speaks

Let me blurt for a moment…

Month: June, 2013

Lazy Days (No, not the Enya song)

Lazy days are simultaneously amazing and terrible. On one hand, I get to spend day in bed catching up on Arrested Development and stuffing extra buttery popcorn in my face. I don’t have to open Outlook, and I don’t have to think of anything witty to post on social media. In the darkness of my room, I’m able to place myself in the world of cable television. I’m freed from any obligations I might have, and I’m not plagued by the existential dread I often feel when I’m stressed.

Unfortunately, a lazy day is enjoyable at the cost of the following day, and my self-esteem. Lazy days are so nice because they can’t happen every day…because, if they did happen every day, I’d be horrifically out of shape and bereft of any money. Checking my inbox to see annoyed emails from my parents and manager isn’t pleasant. It’s even worse when I realize I forgot to turn in homework that was due during my lazy day. My self-esteem also takes a hit when I wonder if I’m naturally lazy—if that’s my default state. Maybe I don’t deserve a rewarding job because I’m inherently lazy.

Mental health days are necessary to my being able to work and socialize with other people. I’m an introvert, and even chatting with my manager can be a little stressful. Sometimes, pressing the pause button on life has unintended consequences that can take weeks to repair.

 

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On Repeat

Is it because I love a song, or because I despise it, that I’ve listened to it 70 times today? Am I trying to purge it from system or unite it with my being? Why do I let myself be drawn into cheesy contemp-Christian music, and why to I blast Ke$ha, creating a nightclub only I’m privy to?

What is it about music, and the increasingly isolated relationship I have with it, that makes mantras from my playlists? Perhaps there is a beauty to repetition; stasis as a freeing agent; change ensnares me, and I don’t like that.

But it’s hackneyed to revel in dated and classless music. And perhaps that’s why I’m putting songs like “Hem of Your Robe” and “We R Who We R”  on repeat: I don’t want to be a part of the Pitchfork process of searching for and pretending to enjoy music I can’t or don’t want to understand. 

Author’s Note:

I’ve not written anything in two months, so I apologize if this makes no sense.